So what’s the big deal? According to spokespersons for The Islamic State in Disneyworld, we are all going to be invaded by furry pustular youths who still haven’t come to terms with puberty. Like, what’s new? And we are all going to be subject to Shania Law. I love it already! According to my research assistante, Adolphina von Menopause, this will involve being disciplined by some blonde chick who sings Country and Western. What’s not to like? Apparently The Caliphate was also ruled by chicks; the top Numera Una piece of crumpet in the Harem. She governed with a rod of steel, although, personally, a black whip and fish-net tights might have been a better alternative. Either way, all our Mad Mullahs were under the control of a female – pussy-whipped or what?
Indeed, not so much ‘cross’ dressers, as bloody good and mad ones. All that adolescent spleen and acne, pretending to hate women, when they are never really happier than being ruled, and spanked, by some plump tart – ‘odalisk’ I believe is the correct term. Which goes a long way to explaining the current dress code for ISID. I mean, they all insist that chicks wear habibs and face masks and what have you. Then, tellingly, they go and cover their bodies and faces in similar but slightly different clothing themselves. Cross dressers! Next thing you know they’ll be sporting matching handbags to carry the magazines for their Kalashnikovs. And also to carry their favourite lads mag, ‘Orgasm Yearly’. (I don’t think we have to delve any further to explain the phenomenon of ‘genital mutilation’. Come on, guys, size isn’t everything!) It also explains the increasing popularity of crotchless burkahs; among the blokes anyway.
Like all would-be onanists, our excitable exotic chums tend to have a slightly selective view of the past. Now boys, throwing chicks into the Bosphorus was not a form of water sport. And if the wee petals currently running from those naughty air strikes and drones were really such fanatics, they would surely stand and die, fighting for the cause? Like, say, for example, the Janissaries, the insane storm troops of the Caliphate who always led the attacks, scaring everyone shitless with their mad courage and lack of fear. Except, of course, they were Christians… Okay, a particularly nutty brand of Christianity; not so much ‘turn the other cheek’, as ‘sock the flock’. But maybe there’s a lesson for all of us there? Like it’s not brave to behead bound and gagged captives while posing for a ‘Selfie’. Some country, some ‘Caliphate’ some bravery. You don’t even have an air force or a navy. All you do have is a morbid fear of women, and an ignorance of your own history which is positively encyclopaedic. And you know why everyone hates you? It’s because, long, long ago, the real Caliphate encouraged the development and spread of algebra! There’s not a school kid in the world that doesn’t hate your guts. Think about it; if you have the equipment.
John J McCabe. Copyright.