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Come back Erasmus, all is forgiven

It would rather appear as if the Forces of Dimness have been at it again, trying to irritate Moi even more than usual. According to Erasmus, ‘lawyers are a society of learned men, run by idiots’: well, at least that’s what he meant. And it seems that his critique can also be applied to women; and not only blondes. Some chick/bird/ crumpet/professional female has clearly been turned down by Page Three for immediately obvious or rather not obvious reasons – two at least. So she has decided on a bit of DIY. She has pictured herself on some professional web thingy called ‘Crumpet Voluntary’ or somesuch. And fair enough. She is apparently a barrister; probably as good a way as any to land a wealthy husband. Trouble is, the wee soul in question looks exactly like a female undertaker. Although, to be fair, both professions have much in common.

However. Most clients ask their solicitor to employ some brief with an expertise in whichever area of law they have got caught up in. Gender is irrelevant; even unto blondes. So why the picture? Cute; but not that cute. First bloom of youth etc, soon to disappear with the second marriage. Shouldn’t the brief in question be knee deep in legal problems? Most mugs, sorry, ‘clients’, expect that if they are being asked to cough up £250.00 an hour plus posts and incidents at 15%, plus VAT, the genius in question will be assiduous in their study of the case. Besides, if they actually want to pull a brief they just go to the nearest wine bar in Lincolns Inn on a Friday night; and let nature and their platinum American Express Card do the rest.

Sic transit Gloria Swanson

But, dear discerning reader, the rant is but half done. (No. Not ‘half-baked’.) If self-advertisement for services is now an acceptable part of a barrister’s life, more fool them. And I have moved from the Female of the Species to what is, putatively, male. To wit, some senile partner in a Biggo Londono firm of lawyers called Tan Mankini or somesuch. Who seems to spend at least some of his time cruising the web thingy. I’m sure at £400.00 plus an hour, plus posts and incidents at 15%, and VAT at 20%, his clients must be beside themselves with joy that he is not wasting his valuable time on their puny problems. Lucky them.

But his sad little pastime fades into insignificance besides his taste and judgement. He would appear to have actually written, electronically apparently, to the female brief’s web site thing, complimenting her on her looks. I mean, Hello? In the picture in question, the wee soul only needs a pair of rubber gloves and some formalin to complete the picture as she rearranges your remains in the coffin; complete with rictus death grin. Or maybe, in some lights, she just might look like the Head Girl about to give you a hundred lines for smoking behind the bike shed. And he’s the guy who’s gonna advise you on a serious legal problem? Yeah; right.


I was now about to wax lyrical on the fact that the young lady in question writes, on occasion, for the Gruaniad; and admits to being a feminist. Heard it. ‘All men are bastards.’ So what’s new? Then, I got to thinking, in the light of the old fart’s wrapt attention to her picture, could the mad blonde actually have a point?  Men do not behave like that. Full stop. If you fancy a chick then there are various ways to advertise it; but if you are married or whatever and old enough to be her great grandfather you do not make any contact whatsoever. Ever. The Law Society might care to get up off its fat arse and check on both the feeing structure of his firm, and the way they treat their female employees and partners. And I hate feminism.

Copyright 2015

John J McCabe