Back from the dead (Unfortunately. EdZilla)
Back fans! Back! (All one of them. EdZilla)[God! I knew it was too good to last! Ermintrude] You puny Earthlings! You never really thought that you could stop MOI? No, my loyal and discriminating fan base, despite the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, I am returned. (He means he got Mac to fix the computer. Ed) Silence! Clearly, the forces of darkness tried to put one over on MOI by hexing the computer. [As I seem to recall, it was you; and your ‘computer skills’. Ermintrude] Beee quiet! Bloody machine! Anyway, after an absence of several millenia, here I am; fated to assume the mantle of responsibility; and rule the world; or at least Leith. (If they let you. Ed) [If they’re daft enough. Ermintrude] Bah! The trouble is, after such a long gap, it’s hard to know where to begin. (How about that poor dozy cow you met at the library? Ed) [Or how she decked you when she discovered what a selfish twat you really are? Ermintrude] Rubbish! She was just jealous about my culinary abilities. (Well it certainly wasn’t your chat-up patter; ‘Come up and see my trusses’. Ed) I thought she was genuinely interested in art! (No. You thought she was hard up and desperate for some ‘R and R’. Ermintrude] It was a meeting of minds! (That’s a funny place to keep them. Ed) Humbug!
Reflections on recent events in North Britain
So; the Nation has spoken – ‘The Bastards!’. Or not, depending on one’s outlook. Obviously, since MOI voted to stay in the UK, those who voted the other way must be mad. Except that, on one reading of the situation, there would have to be really rather a lot of maniacs about. And since, according to the Coven, I already know most of them by their first name, that can’t be right. Hmmm. Maybe if they read my blog… [If they did ; it would save us the trouble of killing you! Ermintrude.] Maybe they need to be sent to ‘Re-Education Centres’? (What? With the walls covered in pictures of you kissing your mirror? Ed) Beat it! They were probably all mad feminists anyway; so they don’t count; or if they’re blonde, probably can’t count. (Lemme at him! Ed) [I can positively feel the red killing mist coming down! Ermintrude] That time of the month, huh? Ouch! That was bloody sore! (Next time it’ll be three feet lower down! Ed) [With double the voltage! Ermintrude] Maybe if we explained that William Wallace wasn’t in fact a midget Aussie; and that he was betrayed by the Scottish nobles who had sold out to Edward? Nah. That would require some knowledge of history and an ability to teach it – which leaves Scottish Education well out of it. Indeed, you could call ‘Scottish Education’ an oxymoron – but they wouldn’t understand it. I mean, this is the crew who teach, ‘The Battle of Bannockburn’ at the same level as The Russian Revolution, or The French Revolution, or The Renaissance, or The Reformation. The reason the English didn’t come back for more was due to their own domestic problems and the French asking them nicely for some of France back, please. The next time the English dropped in for a cosy chat was Flodden, when the Jocks got wasted by an army led by a chick. How embarrassing is that?
Musings on the demise of the Conservative and Labour Parties
Yeehah! The worm is finally turning. All the clones, hand-picked by the local party machines, have finally exasperated the voters. Middle class; 2.3 children, one wife, happily married (obviously), private school or trendy middle class comprehensive, degree to match, never done a day’s work in their miserable lives. Who do you think told them how to stick their noses in the expenses trough? Just take the miserable salary of £62000 per annum and claw back what you know is your real value by screwing the system – that’s what it’s there for after all. And now, their expenses claims have been destroyed apart from the last three years? The Inland Revenue requires us mere mortals to keep such expense details for at least seven years – we get penalised if we don’t. Guess how many MPs will face Income-Tax penalties for not having appropriate expense vouchers? That’s right; none of them. And Messrs Cameron, Clegg and Millipond still think that Ukip is just a flash in the pan? It’s like watching turkeys voting for Christmas. What price all that expensive ‘lobbying’ now? The poor oil companies, banks and arms companies will have to start spreading their largess to Ukip, and up in North Britain, the SNP. I don’t know whether to laugh or laugh.
Decisions, decisions, decisions
Time to go. ‘Tempus fugit’ – No. Not what you’re all thinking! I just can’t make up my mind as to the next blog’s subject matter; my fabulous fireworks fest; or feministas and fur; or Global Warming (Laughter); or how the Web is being used by bad people for world domination. We can do that last one right now. Dear World Dominators, if you ever are minded to take over/destroy/convert the world, here’s a wee tip. Don’t mention it in public or on a world wide media platform because some people, like Secret Squirrel, might just pick it up and lock you all away. Or send a drone up your naughty bits. Byeeeee!
John J McCabe. Copyright.