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God v Me

Obviously I have to have been a right bastard in a previous wife; sorry, I meant ‘life’.[Right both times. Ermintrude] Bah! Probably the love-child of Adolph Hitler and Attila the Hun. (They were both blokes, you utter twat! EdZilla) Anyway. As usual, I just struggle on, manfully, silent, yet suffering… [Not that bloody ‘Invictus’ speech again? Ermintrude] (Combined with a silent prayer for some gripe water; the big baby! EdZ) Beat it! Yet, sometimes, in the stillness, I can discern some Divine Intervention when the Forces of Darkness get a bit above themselves. [Discovering how to work the Dyson is not ‘Divine Intervention’! Ermintrude] Yes it is. (With a brain that small, he could be right. EdZ) Silence, ‘Sisters’! No. Seriously. When that bloody husband turned up last year, when I was just leaving, so to speak, the Mahonia tree just under the bedroom window was a miracle. [a) It was a dwarf conifer; and b) the only miracle was what that poor woman ever saw in you. Ermintrude] Modesty forbids. (She was desperate and delusional. Get used to it. EdZ) [I thought that was his type? Ermintrude] Forget it, you puny Earthlings! Me and God, we’re like that. (What? About as far apart as you are from understanding how to work the toaster? EdZ) Someone’s stolen the instructions! Probably some of you lot; or dark, mysterious forces at work. [I think he means his cleaner. Ermintrude] Be quiet! And beee nice to me! [Only if you start acting like a human being. Ermintrude] Forget it, you Power Mad Feministas; or should that be ‘Feministae’? (It’s a pity you spent most of the time in your Latin classes trying to get into that poor girl’s knickers. EdZ) ‘Into her affections’ you insensitive bitch! [That’s a funny place to keep them. Ermintrude]

The Elect

[Well, it certainly wouldn’t be ‘The Erect’ would it? Ermintrude] Rubbish! I don’t need any pills. Besides, I suit the colour blue. (Which is the colour you’ll be going if you don’t ‘come up to scratch next time, ‘Lover Boy’. EdZ) Humbug! Besides, none of the above ravings from the Waxing Salon can alter the fact that me and God are big buddies. He understands my travails against being deeply misunderstood, vilified and generally not appreciated. [Pass the sick-bag, would you? Ermintrude] You Coven had better watch out, in case I ask Him nicely to send a couple of bolts of lightning up your incontinence pads. (‘Him’? ‘Him’? God’s a woman! EdZ) Rubbish! Maybe a bit less gin in the G and Ts might not go amiss. God’s a bloke! [No She’s not. Ermintrude] (And guess what She’s gonna do to you, when you finally get hit by that long overdue bolt of lightning yourself? EdZ) Bollocks! [Spooky or what? That’s exactly where you’re going to be hit. Ermintrude] You can’t fool me! Stop laughing you cows! Also, if She really was a chick, I’d have Her eating out of my hands in seconds. Will you both stop laughing! (Sorry about that. PS; you’re dead. EdZ) [Cough, cough. And we’ve got tickets for it! Ermintrude] (Think Moses parting the Red Sea; only it’s your trousers that’ll be getting parted – while you’re still wearing them. EdZ) Squeak! [God’s a bloke? I don’t know whether to laugh or laugh. Ermintrude]

The Ultimate Question

(No contest. She’s gonna whop your arse for sure! EdZ) Beat it, you Feminist losers! [Ooops. Did no-one tell you. She’s a feminist as well? Ermintrude] (Guess who’s in deepest doo-doo? EdZ) Blow it out your ear, babe! (I just can’t wait for that cosy chat at the Pearly Gates. EdZ) [Short, but so very, very sweet. Ermintrude] (Five minutes? EdZ) [Nah. Five seconds more like. Ermintrude] (How long does it take to say, ‘Sub-basement; Level 69; right next to the crotchless panties? EdZ) [They’re having a ‘Fire’ sale. Ermintrude] Nonsense. Everyone knows that me and God are best mates… Arn’t we? [Too late now, you misogynist twat. Ermintrude] (And quite a few of the devils are going to be made up of some of your exes; with a year off from Hell for every jab they give you with a blunt pitchfork. EdZ) Erk! But what about all the good I’ve done? [Exactly; what good have you ever done? Ermintrude] Eh? I’ve done lots of good deeds! (Not shagging that very drunk girl all those years ago had more to do with the size of her boyfriend, than any altruistic motives. EdZ) ‘Altroo-what motives? [Exactly. Ermintrude] She was crazy about me! (No. She was just plain crazy. EdZ) What about that old lady I helped across the street? [That’ll be ten seconds off from infinity. Ermintrude] What if I promise to burn more Catholics? [That’s and add on. Ermintrude] Okay. What about if I promise to burn more Protestants? (Ditto. EdZ) How about more Hibs Casuals? {Double Ditto. GOD} Eeeeek! But I give generously to charity! [Viagra is not a charity. Ermintrude] Isn’t it? I mean; I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m kind to dumb animals. (Blondes are not ‘dumb animals’! EdZ) Most of the ones that I ever met were… [Careful; God’s a blonde. Ermintrude] Look; for the last time; God’s a bloke! Isn’t He? (Don’t you just love surprises? EdZ) Oh yeah! If God’s a chick, may you both be struck by lightning! Eh; do either of you know how to earth y-fronts; just in case…? The rest of this transmission was destroyed when an   unexplained power surge took out a cottage near Dollar.

John J McCabe. Copyright.