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Squeak de coeur

They all hate me! [How very, very true. Ermintrude] No! It’s not fair! (Oh, God! He’s off! EdZilla) [Can someone please burn a feather under his nostrils? Ermintrude] (Where’s his bloody nurse when you need her? EdZ) Bah! Not that anyone cares about me… At all… Ever…  I’m waiting… [Except similarly retarded chauvinist losers like yourself? Ermintrude] That’s not what I meant! The bloody Coven had a go at me last Sunday! And I was being nice, too! (No he wasn’t. EdZ) I’d prepared a special prawn and avocado thingy, ’cause Valkerie’s such a shite cook. [Alternatively, ‘because Valkerie is a kind, committed, long-suffering friend’; unless you like sitting down to pee? Ermintrude] Humbug! (That’ll be a ‘yes’ then. EdZ) Anyway; the feast of soul and reason got underway, but as usual, the Power Mad harpies couldn’t leave it alone. First off go, smug uber-Feminista, EdZilla, calmly offers to help me in the kitchen whilst MOI is peeling the avocados. Then, once and only once, I am absolutely up to my tits in green gunk [What? Again? Ermintrude] She goes and shows me how, once you’ve cut the wee bastards in two and removed the stone, you simply cut the flesh still in the skin, like a melon, then press the back of the skin to let each chunk fall into the water and lemon juice to avoid going brown. Bitch! Where was I? [In mid rant, as usual. Ermintrude] (Or if you’re being Freudian, ‘Id Rant’. EdZ) That’s not bloody funny!

Pre-frontal Lobotomies for Beginners

So. As usual, stuffed to the gills with grub and my sparkling booze – to be fair, EdZilla made the brilliant main course of deep-fried gerbil willy served in a bed of vulcanised linguini – ouch! That was bloody sore! [Two feet lower and a thousand volts stronger, it’ll be a good deal more than that, buster! Ermintrude] And a sheer dead brilliantissimo coffee-cum-chocolate cake. (Crawler. EdZ) Anyway. I had, in all innocence, brought some party pooper things to explode over the table – most of which then got exploded over me; if you please! And this was a great pity since I had hoped to be able to have a private chat with the current victim of Valkerie Minor; poor bastard. [He means ‘luckiest man in the Universe’. Ermintrude] (For the sake of his balls; if nothing else. EdZ) Pah! But it was not to be. Besides, he let slip that he already has lots of friends in Brazil, and knows a plastic surgeon there; so he’s well ahead of the game should things take a turn for the turgid. (I think you mean ‘become romantically attached on a more permanent basis’. EdZ) [Whereas your balls are gonna become surgically detached on a much more permanent basis. Ermintrude] Moving on. Somehow in the post-prandial fug of the feast, the subject got on to my book, ‘The Final Arbiter’ – which EdZ is finally getting round to edit. Mucho Acclaimo for Captain Fabulous. [Or not. Ermintrude] It seems that The Coven, if you please are still concerned about the hero and his attitude to chicks. Especially in the horizontal position; but not exclusively. Oww! [Wipe that dirty grin off your face right now! Ermintrude] I’m not a child! (Yes he is. EdZ) Can we just get on? Thank you. So. In the book(s) the hero, on occasion, puts it about a bit. (Shags everything in sight. EdZ) And, dear discerning reader, I hear you say; ‘So bloody what?’ Well, [I’d be really careful about this next bit. Ermintrude] Well; naturally, all such encounters are ‘deep and meaningful’. I mean to say, he would be the last person in the world, nay in the Universe, nay in the Solar… Ouch!


Oh? Where was I? Ah yes. I was just explaining the hero’s commitment to black lace underwear and self-support stockings… and the vital necessity for any sexual encounter in the story to be pregnant with meaning and relevance; and understanding; and, what’s this word? Oh yes, ‘redolent of  respect for the chi… for the female involved’. Who will not ever, never ever, be valued solely for her heavenly hooters, come-to-bed-thighs that don’t touch at the top, nor drop-dead gorgeous looks. Much. Apparently she’ll have to have a brain too; even if she’s a blonde! So that’s how I got out alive. But there’s worse to come. Valkerie Minor is reading ‘Trick Cycling’ [‘Psychiatry’; actually. Ermintrude] And both Valkerie as a nurse; and EdZ as a former social worker, have more than a passing knowledge of some of that shite. And they seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that MOI is as much of a sadistic, heartless womaniser as the hero. Which I’m not. I do not sum up chicks just by their looks, height and weight and age. No. I always take into account the size of their bra-ins. Phew! The hero is a psychopath with a death wish, caused by the  tragic murder of his only love some twenty years earlier by the mafia – who he then killed. And now he has lots of opportunity to get himself killed by doing the dirty work for a dark civil servant; an old school pal. Entirely fucktitious. Because, as all The Coven know, see me and chicks; I always admire them for the size of their brain. No; honestly. It’s the very first thing I ever notice. No, really, truly. [4 out of 10 for style. Ermintrude] (-869 out of 10 for content. EdZ) [Pass the blow-torch, would you? Ermintrude] Eeeek!

John J McCabe. Copyright.