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Arrggghhhhh! The bloody Dyson’s exploded! In the middle of the bloody kitchen! Again! [Surely not, Captain Fatuous? Ermintrude] All over everywhere. Without warning! I simply pushed a wee tit and it blew up in front of me! (What? Like an inflatable doll? EdZilla) No! Besides; she sprang a leak. Luckily I now have a cleaner, who can work the hoover and washing-machine; so this particular problem will not arise again. [Which just leaves the computer, the printer, the toaster, the alarm clock, the mobile telephone; and of course; the barbecue. Ermintrude] Thank you fans; yes. I, all by myself, without the aid of a safety net, have actually built a barbecue thingy from scratch! It only took me half an hour! [Per day; for ten days. Ermintrude] Silence! (And he put the lid on the wrong way; twice. EdZ) Beat it! Anyway; there it stands; a silent testimony to my brilliant engineering skills. [A combination of Brunel and Bagpuss. Ermintrude] And since I got it up and running it’s rained every bloody day! (Who says there isn’t a God? EdZ) But now, with Ratty out of the way, I merely await the onset of good weather and I can have ‘The Coven’ round to show off my culinary skills. [While they show off their fire-fighting ones. Ermintrude] (And their knowledge of First Aid. EdZ)

Printer Wars

And now, the stupid printer is playing silly buggers. (Note please, the use of transferred epithet. EdZ) Eh? It’s the Ascot machine thingy! It won’t take even its own ink pot thing, never mind the ones from Tescos. [Listen Uber-Twat. Firstly, it’s an Epsom; and Secondly it’s a’cartridge’. Ermintrude] (And Thirdly, you are absolutely effing hopeless. EdZ) It won’t take it! Even when I threaten it with mindless violence. [Well; he got the first bit right. Ermintrude] It won’t let it in! (You’ll be all too familiar with that problem. EdZ) Shut up! I’ll have to be nice to that maniac Bronco to see if her son can come round and fix it. Then we’ll have ‘The Coven’ all hooting and farting with laughter at my lack of high-tech knowledge. [To you, a loo roll is ‘high-tech’. Ermintrude] Well; what about how the thing is always stuck down at the start, and you have to unfurl it like a bloody flag ten times before it starts to work! (That’s what your last girlfriend said about you too. Spooky or what? EdZ) Humbug!

Puff the Magic Dragon Retard

Will you stop doing that? [No. Ermintrude] (And make sure you tell the truth about how you cocked up your Ventolin spray – for the last zillion years. EdZ) It was an accident! [No, Sweetie; YOU were the accident. Ermintrude] Anyway. I was going to get round to telling you about my recent attack of bad health. (Liar! EdZ) [You normally spout it out like another triumph of your will. Ermintrude] (Modest you ain’t. EdZ). Well I’m going to recount the grisly episode now. (I can hardly wait. EdZ) I had left a message on the Health Centre phone line for another puffer. I had been helping EdZilla with her plan for World Domination the previous week, which had required me to return to her lair each evening for a post mortem of the day’s events. Which further involved me getting close up and personal with her pussy – cat! To which I am allergic; get the picture? So by the end of the week I was coughing and squeaking like Billyo. I ordered another one. Which in turn activated the Quackery Police who insisted I attend an asthma examination. So I did. Which set the scene for a titanic struggle. [In your trousers. Ermintrude]

Big Breaths

At least 42Ds. Magnificent. And she very generously showed me how to inhale… Wow! I could only assume her lucky bra was reinforced with steel hawsers. Apparently my breaths weren’t big enough; and I was pressing the puffer at the wrong time. [This all sounds terribly familiar with you and your female victims. Are you sure she wasn’t one of your ‘conquests’? Ermintrude] (Unlikely; she still had a pulse. EdZ) Wheesht! Then she showed me again how to take a really BIG breath. When I came to I was on the couch in the surgery, with her leaning over me. If she’d got any closer I’d have died of concussion. (You wish! EdZ) But I’m a fast learner; and after an hour I was pretty sure I knew how to do it. Then she started on about blood pressure and weight and my alcohol intake and other matters… [Yeah. I’ll just bet she did. Ermintrude] (Any personal ‘problems’? EdZ) No! And suddenly it was time to leave. She says she wants to see me again in a month – babe magnet or what? [In a month of Sundays, you burke! Ermintrude] (He’s gone through to kiss his bloody mirror again! EdZ) [Pathetic! Ermintrude] (It’s cool. I sprayed cat pee over it when I was there last night. EdZ) 

John J. McCabe. Copyright.