'Watch with Mother' Cleopatra, Boudica, Edinburgh fringe, feminism, Homer, iambic pentameter, JJ McCabe, Jordan, male chauvinism, penis envy, poetry, rose of atur, sexism, Shirley Temple, Sigmund Freud, Virgil
Will you stop doing that? [No. Ermintrude] It’s my blog! [It’s your funeral, you mean. Ermintrude] Who’s in charge here? [Me. Ermintrude] Bah! Dear reader, you will see, as ever, that I am once more beset by the Farces of Dimness, aka ‘The Coven’; in particular, my Power Mad, feminist computer, Ermintrude. [Hi there! Ermintrude] I am about to recount yet another victory for the power of sanity in a lunatic world, and, as usual, ‘The Sisterhood’ tries to prevent me from announcing my success. (He means he emptied the Dyson without any help, for the first time. EdZilla) No I don’t! Anyway, it’s not that victory I’m talking about! This concerns the titanic struggle of epic proportions [To tie his laces? Ermintrude] No! Me against Power Mad feminist poet-cum-child psychiatrist Cruella de Thunderthighs! [God he’s pathetic! Ermintrude] She sent me a letter thingy through the machine (an E-mail, dipstick. EdZ) in which she suggested that I might care to sign myself into some Loony Bin, for ‘ re-education’! MOI! Apparently reading my blog took her into a ‘dark, labyrinthine miasma of male chauvinism and self pity’ which she thought she had left behind when she ate her last husband. [Divorced him, actually. Ermintrude] Yeh; but I bet she ate his wallet, poor bugger. She went on to describe my reflections, which I share with my avid and discerning readership, (All three of them. EdZ) as ‘a puerile exercise in breast-fixation’. But I always thought that ‘breast-fixation‘ involved arranging the bra so the unruly hooters stayed put while dancing. [Your dead. Again. Ermintrude] (She’s gonna kill him for sure this time. EdZ) Rubbish! Having just delivered such a crusher, she will, like so many of her species, ‘Crumpetta Idiotica’, no doubt retreat into a box of Dairy Milk while listening to some Leonard Cohen records. [There are no such things as ‘records’ anymore, you hopeless bastard. Ermintrude] (Except criminal ones. EdZ) Moving on.
Or should that be, ‘thighs matters’? [Get on with it! Ermintrude] Where was I.(The Accident and Emergency Department of the nearest hospital, if you’re not careful. EdZ) You see; us blokes, we’ve got bigger ones. [If he mentions Freud, I’ll kill him! Ermintrude] No, you foolish, twisted child; I’m not talking about ‘penis envy’, although, now you mention it, (WARNING: the rest of this passage has been removed by The Orgasm Police; in contravention of Section 69c of The Cruelty to Blondes Act, 2010; as amended by The Brunette Discrimination Act 2013). Humbug! Besides, what I was talking about was the size of our brains; blokes have bigger ones; so ya, boo, sucks! (Yes, but it’s what you don’t do with the added size that’s really worrying. EdZ) Oh yeah? So name just one female philosopher; apart from Jordan. (Lemme me at him! Ermintrude] Or one female inventor, apart from Shirley Temple. (Who? EdZ) Sigh. The famous child actress; didn’t she invent curling-tongs? [Trouble is; he’s serious. Ermintrude] (What about Cleopatra or Boudica? EdZ) Bah! Chicks with a her-moan deficiency, that’s all. Indeed I seem to recall that Boadacea, not ‘Boo-Dick-a’, only ever went on the rampage once a month… Geddit? [What you’re about to get is marmalized! Ermintrude] (With a cheese grater and a very hot waffle iron. EdZ) Eeeek!
The Proof is in the Pudding
So, my charming, if morbidly stupid, poetess-cum-mud-wrestler or whatever, whilst you are licking your wounds in your perfumed bath of atur of roses and kerosene, might I suggest you reflect on the pearls of wisdom contained in my reply poem; a combination of Homer, Virgil and
Einstein ‘Watch With Mother’. Hrumphh! I reproduce herewith the entire oeuvre. Thank you, fans.
It’s really not your fault that you can’t understand big words,
‘Intelligence’ for you, I fear, is strictly for the birds,
Philosophy is something all of you need to avoid,
Might I suggest a quick flick through the works of Sigmund Freud?
Nominated for The Edinburgh Fringe, ‘Longest Rhyming Suicide Note’. Eh?
Orpheus in his Underpants
That is not the heading I put in! [Correct. Ermintrude] You can’t just change things when you want to! (Really? How many times have you ‘changed’ you wives and/or partners? EdZ) That was different! [Self-preservation as well as self-respect on their part, more like. Erminrude] But the poem; brilliant or what? (‘Or what’. EdZ) [And the scansion is pish. Ermintrude] Jealousy will get you nowhere. (Your poetry will get you a boot in the balls. EdZ) Rubbish! [At least he admits it. Ermintrude] You’re deliberately misunderstanding me! Just like my wives! And some of my partners. [Whadda ya mean, ‘some’? Ermintrude] It’s almost iambic pentameter! [No. That’s what you’re going to get rammed up your arse. Ermintrude] Eh? I feel another poem coming on. [Just make sure it rhymes with ‘castration’. Ermintrude] (And ‘blunt matchstick’. Edz) Eeeek!
John J McCabe. Copyright.