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Chocolate Soldier

So I sent some dark chocolate confection round to EdZilla and some Dairy Milk to Valkerie – it’s okay; she’s blonde. It always works.  Turn their instruments of torture – mainly cookery utensils and Delia Smith recipes – into ploughshares and hair-curlers. Death threats? Nuts. Unfortunately I can’t use the car today as the brakes failed on a corner; can’t imagine why; only had it serviced two weeks ago. [You wouldn’t actually believe it until you met him. Ermintrude] (The missing ‘Thicko’ Twin. EdZilla). Eh? Anyway; have I got news for you? [Unlikely. Ermintrude] It seems that Mac; or as he shall heretofore be known, ‘MacDeathWish’ has been touching EdZilla! (No he hasn’t. EdZ) The bossy cow blew in today to show me how to work the E-Mail (Again. EdZ). And as part of my smooth tongue campaign to assuage The Coven, I had her book up on the screen thingy; ‘The Cure for Seniors’. So she has to go and have a look. Yeehah! At the back of the book, which is really a bloody good read, the bitch, there’s a puff from MacDeathWish, including a photograph. Think CIA’s ‘Most Wanted’, number Three or Four. Except with just a teensy-weensy bit change – She’s blonde! EdZilla’s a closet blonde! It certainly helps explain some of her less than Delphic utterances; especially when driving in traffic. But the best is yet to come! Doubtless to avoid detection by Interplod she changed to ‘Sylvan Nymph’ or some such stuff a few years back;probably when she was on the pull again. But she was not a happy bunny when she saw the Mark Two version staring back at her from her book. Mac was such a nice guy too.


I always follow his precepts, set down in ‘Il Principe’; keep your friends close; and their girlfriends closer. Well, that’s what he meant. What MacDeathWish has done is to take the heat of The Coven from off me on to his broad shoulders. As to who kills him first, his wife or EdZilla, it’s a hard call. But the clever money is on a tragic accident with a waffle iron while falling under a bus. That bursts into flame three seconds after impact. Having been driven by EdZ and also having survived her cooking, guess who’s in the frame? But no worries anyway. Jockland will soon be over-run with all these ‘Culture Vultures’ hell bent on doing ‘The Edinburgh Festival’ followed by ‘The Fringe’. This is the time of year when all the overage chicks, who really ought to know better, dress up or down in their hippy rags from Uni days, suitably let out. And henna hair. Or paws nowadays. And beads; God help us. The really good bit is when the Hippy Chicks Manquees take their first pull on a joint; sparked up from mild mary-jane to wild Skunk. Not a pretty sight. Least of all for their straight, boring daughters who have to bail them out of Fettes Police Station the next morning, arrested for being drunk in charge of a rugby player in the King’s Park. Not that any of The Coven are like that; much.

The Price of Fame

But dear, discerning fans. [You mean there’s more than one? Ermintrude] Even as I squeak, I get an invo from ‘Tom and The Doppelgangers’, that Wurrld Famus Band, to join them as their manager for their forthcoming tour of the USA. Okay. So they always set fire to themselves with the last number; who doesn’t these days? Step forward Captain Fabulous. [In pink spandex leotard; I can hardly wait. Ermintrude] Beat it! It means that my genius has finally been recognised. (As you will be by the FBI when you cross the border. EdZ) Bah! But I just don’t know if the world is quite ready for me yet in tight-fitting black leather trousers. [They’re not. Ermintrude] (Never mind the silver lame truss. EdZ) Hunbug! I mean; is it possible to still be a babe magnet at my age? [Only ones with incontinence pads, Ermintrude]

The Herring Pond

(Look on the bright side; at least his biggest fan, Amanda B Twatweiller, and her friends, won’t have so far to travel to finally lay their hands on Captain Fabulous, will they? EdZ)[I always said he was thoughtful and considerate. Ermintrude] (And she only wants to keep the important bits. EdZilla) [They’re not that big anyway. Ermintrude] (He’ll never miss them. EdZ) Hoy! Cut that out! [That’s just what Amanda was saying. Ermintrude] Perhaps, on sober reflection, maybe the old U S of A isn’t quite ready for me yet. [Amanda says she is. Ermintrude] (She’s even bought the jump leads and nine volt battery. EdZ) Eeeek!

John J McCabe. Copyright.