Get a life! Further to my re-education programme prior to this bash at Edinburgh University, I have been watching television and things, occasionally. [Once he learned how to work the controls. Ermintrude] Ignore her. I have just spent the last four thousand, five hundred and twenty-eight years of my life looking in disbelief at the unadulterated drivel pissing forth from my box and my computer web thingy. I was looking for cultural trends to expand my small talk. (Well you certainly wouldn’t be looking for ‘enlightenment’. EdZilla) [No. That would take surgery. Ermintrude] Less of it, you size sixteen, bossy, power-mad computer! [Less of the ‘size sixteen’ bub, or we’ll start discussing your own ‘measurements’. Ermintrude] Note, dear reader, the lack of complaint about the rest of the all too accurate observations. [Keep it up, ‘Big Boy’ ; unlike you did last night… Ermintrude] Truce! (There’s a good ‘Little Boy’. EdZ) Cheeky cow! In any event, I think we can all agree that Round Two of that particular event was more than satisfactory. [So she’s desperate and delusional; what other type did you ever hit on? Ermintrude] Moving on. What is the point of airing the minutiae of Z-rated celebs and their tragically predictable lives? So one pair of surgically enhanced tits had a fight with another pair of similarly enhanced 42Ds, in some seedy disco/dance hall/ charity event? Who cares? If the mammaries in question spent even a hundredth of the cash they blow on their inflated funsacks, on their brains instead… (They’d never sleep with the likes of you. EdZ) Then again; I’ve always said that breast enhancement is good for the cerebral cortex; well, at least the ‘bra’ bit. Geddit? [No. Ermintrude] (He doesn’t even know what a ‘cerebral cortex’ is. EdZ) Do too! (Well then… We’re waiting… EdZ) Honeys; trust me, you’ll both be waiting for a bloody sight longer unless you drop this feminist pish. Ouch! That was bloody sore! [No pain, no gain; ‘Rocky’. Ermintrude] Stop it! Now I’ve gone and lost the thread. (Lost the plot, more like. EdZ) Yeah, heard it. ‘Cerebral Cortex’ – it was one of these tight-fitting underwear tummy and tit holders so loved by Victorian chicks. They involved the use of whale bones and lots of eye-hooks, as I seem to recall. [The case rests. Ermintrude] Eh?
I’ve got a complaint. [Nothing trivial, we hope. Ermintrude] Ha bloody ha! No. This is serious. (Forgotten how to empty the Dyson, again? EdZ) No! Besides, whatshername gave the house a quick once over with the hoover; after I’d given her a rather slower once over with my ‘hoover’, if you get my meaning. [What did you just call that poor deluded woman? Ermintrude] Eh? What? What did I say? (Ten seconds; that’s all you’ve got. Ermintrude] (He can’t count that far. EdZ) [Good. So the pain lesson arrives that much sooner. Ermintrude] Eeeek! Oh. Oh, right. You mean her name… Oh yes. Of course. Silly me. No. It’s on the tip of my tongue. [Three seconds left. Ermintrude] Pamela! No! Pat! Yes! It was Pat; I never forget tits like that! Just slipped my mind. (Don’t boast. You haven’t got one. EdZ)[And that’s not the only ‘thing’ he won’t have shortly if he ever calls any of his victims ‘whatshername’ again. Ermintrude] Now will you please let me go. [That’s not what you said to Pat last night. Ermintrude] (Nor this morning… EdZ) And will you lot stop listening into our intimate shared moments of connubial bliss? [The next time you get any of these poor lost souls pissed then start reading Shakespearean love sonnets to them I will personally make sure that you never stand up to pee again; and only sit down to pee with mechanical assistance! Ermintrude] Come on now; I was being cultural; they just love it. I can always smell the smouldering knicker elastic by the time I get to Sonnet 18. [After you. Ermintrude] (No, it’s your turn. EdZ) Eh? [Why don’t we do it together? Ermintrdue] (Good idea. EdZ) Arrggghhhh!
Blast! I’ll have a limp for weeks. [Yes; but a ‘limp’ what? Ermintrude] Bumfluff! My phone thing won’t take any more power. I plug it into the wall but it won’t take the charge. I have to take it to some mobile phone garage or somesuch. But I don’t know where one is; so I’ll have to be nice to that ball-crushing bitch EdZilla. [Translation; long-suffering Editor. Ermintrude] Cow! [Baaa! Ermintrude] What? Sheep do ‘baaas’.[Only when they see you. If you waited long enough beside them you’d find out they were actually calling you a ‘baaastard’. Ermintrude] Rubbish! Anyways, I’ve got to find a cure! (The penicillin not working, huh? EdZ) No! Funnee, not. I might even have to buy a new one. Mac says they all have a unique thingy; a small thing. [Makes you feel right at home, yes? Ermintrude] Cut that out! [I thought he’d never ask. Ermintrude] Stop that! Truce; okay? He says some nice counter staff will show me how to change it over. He says it won’t hurt at all. But it’s bound to be traumatic. [Like what’s going to happen to you the next time you lie about your age like you did last night. Ermintrude] But she can’t count, you idiot; she’s blonde! Ermintrude! Put that down! Now, come on. Let’s talk this over. [We’re going to; in Accident and Emergency. Ermintrude]
John J McCabe. Copyright. (Ward 28)