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Computer Virus

Cow! Arch cow! So how was I to know?[Thicko. Ermintrude] I hope her next tampon’s a hedgehog! ‘Pathetic fallacy‘. I thought she was being personal again! If I’d actually seen the bloody phrase I might have had an idea. (Not without brain surgery. EdZilla) Apparently it means the dramatic use of non-human aspects, especially the weather, to embody human emotions; like the thunder storm in ‘The (Not So) Great Gatsby’. Or like a train going through a tunnel when the hero slips the chick a length. [Or like a very small, pathetic, flabby lightning rod being hit by a zillion volt flash of lightning. Ermintrude] Eeek! Anyway; I’ve better thongs to worry about. Both Mac and EdZilla agree that my computer does in fact have a mind of her own. And she must have taken a correspondence course with at least one of my ex-wives. Butch! There; she’s gone and done it again! And the more i try to change it the more she giggles and sends out a squeaking tone from the machine! [MacMini, you dipstick. Ermintrude] See what i mean? And what’s this about using only lower case ‘i’ when ever i talk about me? [Because you’re such a child. Love and hisses. Ermintrude] I hate everyone again. [At least you’re consistent. Ermintrude]

Machine Intelligence

I never started this new paragraph! [We can think of several relationships you now claim you never intended to start. Ermintrude] Will you stop going on about that bloody librarian! [No. Ermintrude] It’s all lies! Anyway; it was an accident. [You were up her all night! How is that meant to be an ‘accident’? Creep! Ermintrude] I wasn’t looking where i was going. I just sort of fell into it; so to speak. [Liar. Ermintrude] Besides, I am trying to recall my Creative Muse to continue with the new opus. Will you stop laughing! [No. Ermintrude] How can laughter come from a stupid machine anyhow? A feminist one, at that. [Listen, sunbeam. One more sexist comment and your 90,000 turd opus, ‘The Final Arbiter’ will be turned into a gardening manual for the over eighties. Love and pisses. Ermintrude] I want my Muse! And I want my mummy! [Sorry, ‘Captain Fabulous’, we’re busy right now. Ermintrude and Erato] Eh? I thought ‘Erato’ meant ‘mistake’. [What do you see in this plonker? Ermintrude] {Beats me. What are you doing tonight, good-looking? Erato} Arrrggghhhh! My Muse is making a move on my computer! {You should see the size of her mega-bytes! Erato} Her what’s? [Is he a twat, or is he a twat? Ermintrude] {He’s a twat. Erato} Who’s in charge here? (Well not you, for a start. EdZilla) I thonk i’m going mad! {What do you mean, ‘going’? Ermintrude]

Deus ex Machina

Does that mean God’s trying to sell his last car? [You couldn’t make it up, could you? Ermintrude] {He really does keep his brains in his balls. Erato} (He was an only child. EdZilla) Will you all cut that out? [Pass me the butter knife. Ermintrude] (Where did I put the cling film. EdZ) Eeeek! Truce! Pax vobiscum babes. No, honestly. [There’s a good little boy. Ermintrude] (With the emphasis on ‘little’. EdZ) {Yes; I’ve heard that too. Erato} This is the ‘knobjectification of men!’ I’m being picked on because i’m a bloke. It’s not fair! Boo Hoo! (We’re waiting… EdZ) [Well… Ermintrude] I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. Ouch! That was bloody sore! (Nice one, Ermintrude. EdZ) [I’ll count to ten… Ermintrude] Alright! Alright already! I’ll give her a call! Now! (And?… EdZ) I’ll ask her out! [And?… Ermintrude]  I’ll not say anything about her stretch marks! Nor her cellulite. [We’re still waiting… Ermintrude] Eh? Oh. It was a joke! (In very bad taste. EdZ) I’ll apologise for rearranging her collection of fluffy toys in her spare bedroom; especially what that Steiff Teddy bear was doing to the big Cabbage Patch doll. (That’s a good boy. EdZ) [It wasn’t that hard, now was it? Ermintrude] {Funny, that’s what the librarian said too. Erato} Ha bloody ha!

Knowledge is Power

(It certainly explains why he’s so weak. EdZ) Beat it, Sister! I phoned the bird…, eh, sorry, the lady, and we are on for tonight. [I particularly liked the grovelly bit. Ermintrude] You listened in! That was private! [No, dum-dum, I’m going to kick you in the privates, that’s different. Ermintrude] (I thought the flowers were a nice touch. EdZ) Stop it! You’re ruining my reputation!(It’ll be a bloody sight more than your reputations that get ruined unless you behave tonight! EdZ) [And don’t forget to go on the website, ‘Feminista’ that you claimed you read avidly each day. Lying bastard. Ermintrude] Hey, come on; that was just window-dressing. (Unlike the dressings they’ll be putting on you in Accident and Emergency unless you do as you’re told. EdZ) I hate everybody again; again.

John J McCabe. Copyright.

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