[You haven’t got any, weirdo. Ermintrude] (Not when The Coven gets their mits on you! EdZilla) Oh; sorry, when you said ‘mits’ I thought you meant xxxx. (Hate and kisses from The Thought Police.) BumFluff! Where was I? [The Accident and Emergency Department if you’re not careful. Ermintrude] Once again I’ve been assailed by the Creative Muse. More like ‘wassailed’ according to EdZilla, turning a trifle Anglo Saxon for a change. (An angle-iron, with an axe on, actually, EdZ) And yes, I would be less than honest with my avid public, [All three of them. Ermintrude] were I to deny the contribution made to my oeuvre by the occasional ingestion of some alcoholic beverage. (Ribena and vodka, EdZilla) What is this about all the chicks I ever come across in the universe? They all treat me like some kind of two year-old dickhead![The truth always hurts. Ermintrude] Anyway; Mac says it’s brilliant; well that’s what he meant. It’s a book; a dystopia, set in the future; the very bloody near future, if us blokes are not careful! It’s called ‘Crumpetopia’, or maybe ‘The Goosestep Wives’, or how about… [Don’t even go there! Ermintrude] Bah! It’s set in a Britain not so far from today, in which women have taken over; spooky or what? It leans heavily on ‘1984’ by Georgette Heyer. (George Orwell, you utter twat! EdZ) Except of course, ‘Big Sister is watching you’. Cute, no? Obviously, ‘Thought Crime’ is everywhere. The ‘Ministry of Plenty’ now controls the legally enforceable rights of all women to get a good seeing-to by their husband, partner or boyfriend, at least four times a week! Eeeek! The law does not apply to one night stands because they have been abolished. No. Seriously; and it gets worse. [Were it possible. Ermintrude]
Nightmare on Willy Street
The Orgasm Police have been divided into a series of special units, each charged with policing certain aspects of what blokes have been doing to chicks ever since they invented booze. ‘Muff Puss’ is self-explanatory. As is ‘Self-Abuse Puss’. Breast enhancement clinics will be illegal, as will tanning salons, policed by ‘Slag Puss’. Offensive references to older women will be dealt with by ‘Bag Puss’. That sea port in China has now become a crime, punishable by finding something nice, new and original to say about her love-making, every night! The lexicography of love has been entirely rewritten. There is no such thing as ‘throwing her a leg-opener’ by way of a chat-up line or two. In future all communications with chicks, especially on matters coital, will be ‘deep and meaningful’; including blondes! Every bloke will be required to enter into a pre-poking contract – a ‘Pudenda Respect Pact’ – which will set out in great detail exactly what and what may not take place between the shagger and the shaggee. No tongues on the first kiss? And the bloke will have to establish that he is chickless before any ‘rumpy-pumpy’ takes place. In the event of him lying, he will move from ‘chickless’ to ‘dickless’, care of the Orgasm Police; Penile Servitude Division. Via pubic execution! This Totalitarion Nightmare will be known as the ‘Dick-Tatorship of the Pussytariat’. Their leaderette will be called ‘Dominatrixi-Belle-Fru-Fru’. She will not bear any resemblance whatsoever to any person living or dead, least of all that feminist cow I met in London a few years back, who introduced me to her liberated libido. I still get a sore back just thinking about it!
[And how to lose it. Ermintrude] Beat it! The main protagonist, ‘Rocky’, will clash with arch-Power Mad Tottie, Vladimyr Illich Lesbo. She is the Head of the anti-porn division, ‘Puss in Books’. He will be found guilty of writing sexist pornography; ‘Clit Lit’, punishable by death; or worse; marriage. The torture scene is particularly graphic, and yet strangely poignant. ‘Rocky’, caught by secret agent, Mata Hairy, is strapped down, naked, to a metal chair, wired into the National Grid. The evil sadist, Lesbo, will show him a series of photographs of different things; everyday stuff; like a pair of cute chicks walking down The Old Kent Road, now renamed The Old Can’t Road. Or a fast motor. Or a vast pile of money. Or a thoughtful fanny pelmet bending over to a ‘bottom’ drawer; geddit, ‘bottom’? [No. Ermintrude] And with superhuman will(y) power he will mask his true responses. However, the scheming Lesbo will have inserted into the set of pictures a pair of enormous bronzed hooters, complete with erect mega-nipples, showing through a wet T-shirt. Which is bound to produce the wrong response. A fatal error, as the hero gets fifty thousand volts through his naughty bits. ‘Negative Reinforcement of Value Systems’.
Believing him to be dead, Lesbo will have him carried out for disposal. Only ‘Rocky’ will have survived! Lesbo failed to realise how inured he was to years of torture, having been married twice. After a series of narrow squeaks; in more ways than one, he will escape to the Land of the Free; Leith, disguised as a nun; ‘The Sisterhood of Self-Flagellation’. From there he will make contact with the Underground Movement, ‘Bimbos Against Naughty Girls’, where he will meet and fall in lust with Chardonnay, a blonde from Basingstoke. Formerly a beautician-cum-lap-dancer, she will help ‘Rocky’ to defeat The Farces of Dimness; and at the end they will retire to a life of bliss, running a bottom clinic near Watford. How visionary is that?
John J McCabe. Copyright.