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Self Help

[Self abuse, more like. Ermintrude] Hello? Is there anyone out there? Like, you know, human beans? I’ve just been watching television, once I’d worked out the bloody instruction manual! [Three times. Ermintrude] Anyway. To try and bring me up to date with life. (That would take surgery. EdZilla) So as to be able to engage in meaningful debate with the Mentalligencia when we go to this beano at Edinburgh University. What the hell is collagen? It must be some kind of breast enhancement cream, ’cause all the chicks on the box advertising the stuff have hooters out to here; or there, if your into Existentialism. Yep. That’s right. I’ve actually read ‘Being and Nothingness’ by Jean Paul Sartre. Well, the cover, anyway. And Kierkegaarde, Soren of that ilk. Bloody Danish! A clear sign they should stick to making pastries and blue movies. As Bismarck said, ‘Feminism is like the Schleswig Holstein Question; only three people understand it, and two of them are dead.’ Well, that’s what he really meant. I only boned up on this pish since I was after some liberated chick at Uni in my first degree. She was in the Social Sciences Fuckallty; and was really well-stacked, with legs up to and beyond her most agreeable fanny. Long blonde hair, high cheek bones, and soft brown eyes. And some bloody boyfriend in the Vets rugby team. I remember him alright! It gives the idea of a ‘leap of faith’ a whole new meaning. Two floors up in Morningside at three am in the morning when he turns up? I nearly killed myself. (Pity you survived. EdZilla) Mind you, had the Gay Lothario cum prop forward got his hands on me, he would have saved me the trouble.

The Art of Advertising

And what the hell are LEDs? Again it has to have something to do with breast enhancement, since all the chicks lying across the cars have got heavenly hooters. And what’s with the secret of Clitorique? It appears to be a cross between ‘the fountain of eternal youth’ and crotchless panties. A word of advice to advertisers of such stuff; if you are selling some anti-ageing gel, balm, or suppository, why not advertise it on some bird whose is actually past puberty? Besides, what’s the obsession with looking like a twelve year old hooker? Young birds are okay for young blokes – they’ve got to learn on something. But if you’re looking for a really good shag, sorry, ‘deep and meaningful relationship’, she’s got to have been round the block a couple of times, preferably with a rat-fink; it makes them just so much more receptive; and grateful… (WARNING! The rest of this paragraph has been removed by the Orgasm Police, in contravention of Sections 4, 7 and 4672 of the Penile Servitude Phallocentricity Act, 2013, as amended by the Post Uterine Sorority Sexuality Yearbook.) Punishable by a fine of up to fifty squillion ‘mea culpas’ and a week of reading nothing but Jane Austen and Andrea Foreskin.


[‘Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in form me’. Heard it. You loser. Ermintrude] Beat it; chicky poohs. You can push a bloke too far. Normally that’s why marriage vows are exchanged before an altar – a blood, or at least, wallet sacrifice. ‘Shagito ergo sum’ – I shag, therefor I am. (Not for much longer, Dipstick. Love and curses, The Coven.) Stick to liposuction, babes. Or with the really fat birds, ‘hipposuction’. And we all know why you like ‘riding’ round on broomsticks… [You’re dead. Ermintrude] At this stage I was feeling pretty pleased with myself; until I remembered I’d left the bloody oven on! Blast! It’s got to be LezNatz! I was sure I’d turned the stupid thing off! Flambed quiche Lorraine, care of Asda; oh, and a pair of y-fronts I was trying to dry out in a hurry. The elastic’s melted! I’ll just pour some aftershave on an old pair – she’ll never know the difference. ‘Dildo, dildare, dildatum, dildatum est’. I fondle, therefor I am. At least I can tell the difference between conjugation and subjugation; with the emphasis on ‘Jugs’! EdZilla calls on the phone to tell me I am shortly about to be removed to the Convent of the Little Sisters of Infinite Pleasure, Ball Smashing Division. Yeah. Right. Get real chickifluffs. As a New Man, I agree, women shouldn’t be prone to sexual advances; they just need to be prone to receive them; geddit? [No. Ermintrude] The way some blokes go on, you’d be forgiven for thinking that ‘Fellatio’ plays outside left for Real Madrid. How’s that my Feminist Friends? It’s a form of ‘entryism’… I meant politically, not vaginally! [Too late, Smart Arse. Your card’s going to be marked. Ermintrude] (‘Stamped’ actually, while you’re wearing it. EdZilla) Eeeek!

John J McCabe. Copyright.