Where would we all be without life’s little reminders that you’ve forgotten: to turn off the tap; invade Poland; take the turkey out the freezer; her first name… Bad move, by the way. Mac says it’s just a phase I’m going through. Like puberty without the Skin Clinic. Once the Farleys Rusks wear off, the nurse will be round to administer a good foot up the arse, to resume normal service. Only in my case, the part of the nurse has been taken by that of EdZilla; and her computer crumpet cohort, Ermintrude. (High there! EdZ) [Hello! Ermintrude] And suddenly everyone’s a critic. Pause for tragic sob. [Pause for surgical swab if you don’t cut it out! Ermintrude] See what I mean? [No. Ermintrude] Nobody understands me! (Will someone please burn a feather under his nostril? EdZ)[Sorry. Fresh out. How about a cruise missile up his bum? Ermintrude] (Preferably sideways. EdZ) And then they’re rude about my Magus Opus. [Your what? Ermintrude] (He doesn’t have one; he prefers dogs. EdZ) Cows!
A Prophet in his own Gland
EdZilla says my hero lacks soul; lacks empathy with the shaggee. I say, who needs empathy when they’re hung like a donkey? She says all my macho posturing is a load of cock. Which is my point exactly. Then she adds, my puerile wit will not sway the Female of the Species. Like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is a novel about the mood swings of Lady Jane Grey who tried to replace Queen Elizabeth the First? I think not. [You haven’t the equipment. Ermintrude] Apparently I have a mammalian fixation. What a load of bollocks. Legs are equally important, not to mention a pretty face, lovely eyes; and well-rounded personalities; preferably tanned. (You see the problem? EdZ) [What an utter tit! Ermintrude] And then EdZ throws in the suggestion that blokes should only shag birds as a testimony to a deep and meaningful relationship. And not on the first date. Eh?
Sexism is the last refuge of
Common Sense A Plonker
Hoy! I did not type that in! [No. We did. Ermintrude] Beat it! What is it with chicks? ‘You only love me for my body’. Like I thought her tits would help share the burden of flower pressing? I mean; they give you the come on, all heaving bosums and snaky thighs, then suddenly you’re meant to have wanted to shag them because their IQ was bigger than their bra size; yeah. Right. According to EdZ there’s more to life than rehearsing how to undo a bra with only one hand; seemingly. Especially the ones with two or three hooks on the birds who really ought to have ‘sized up’ a couple of cups years ago. ‘ Free the Gossards Two’. My fingers go into spasm just thinking about them; sorry, ‘her’. [It’ll be a bloody sight more than your fingers that will be going into spasm! Ermintrude] Eeeek!
Squeak and Ye shall find
She’s at it again! I’m trying to end on a serious note! (Rather than a sharp, pointy thing? EdZ) Bah! I can’t be swayed by threats of personal violence. [Yes you can, Sweetie. Ermintrude] Rubbish! [What did that librarian threaten to ‘stretch’ if you counted her stretch marks the next time you two were in bed together? Ermintrude] It’s all lies I tell you! [Who went downstairs and counted all the butter knives? Ermintrude] (Then hid the small blowtorch he uses for creme brulee. EdZ) Okay; okay. Maybe; just sometimes; I might be misconstrued as only paying lip service to the Women’s Movement; but most of them seem to like cunnilingus. [Where did he hide the blowtorch? Ermintrude] (It’s alright; I brought a new one. EdZ)
John J McCabe. Copyright.