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Agony Aunt

The heading is meant to start ‘A Word of Advice’! [Beat it, you loser. Ermintrude] She’ll be taking over my life next! [What life; you haven’t got one, Saddo. Ermintrude] Stroppy computers; it’s like being married again. [You wish. Ermintrude] Anyway. If nobody minds; a word of advice from a seasoned author; even though the bloody book is nowhere near ready! (I’m working on it. EdZilla) Point One: NEVER have an Editor who, as part of her job description, loses her temper, and gets tense, nervy and irritable at least once every month; often as not accompanied by xxxxxxxxxxxx (Love and kisses; The Thought Police) And who is genetically incapable of reversing round corners. (Keep it up; EdZ) [That’s just the problem. Ermintrude] Be quiet! Where was I? Oh yes. Not ever. Unless of course, she has enormous hooters, slim legs up to her fanny, and a face to die for. Even then, get it all in writing first. I now need a bloody lawyer to negotiate the number of orgasms the chicks are allowed to have in the book! Well, as good as. Apparently their character has to be ‘meaningful’. I mean to say; hello? What could be more meaningful than a mid-thirties blonde, five nine, size twelve, D cups, long legs that don’t touch at the top, with a retrousse nose and come-to-bed thighs? Oh; and the hero has to ‘respect’ them. So, like shagging’s disrespectful? It is surely the greatest compliment that any bloke can pay to any chick, that he would like to shag her. Conversely, it is the greatest compliment that any chick can pay to said bloke, if she doesn’t actually pass out with laughter at the very idea. I mean; Earth calling anyone? In order for coitus to occur, both the shagger and the shaggee must agree on at least one thing in life. And, it goes without saying, that any responsible male will always practice safe sex – use a false name.

New Man Speak

[Or in your case, ‘squeak’. Ermintrude] Bah! Oh, yes. ‘Objectification of Women’. Yeah. Heard it. The ‘Sisters’ are still banging on about it. It’s become an article of faith amongst that sub-branch of the ‘LezNatz’, ‘The Orgasm Police’. In point of fact, ‘Sisters’, I happen to have read Angela Carter, her take on ‘Little Red Riding Hood’? And I couldn’t help but notice that the woodsman-cum-werewolf was hung like a donkey. So much for the ‘Dildo Liberation Front’.  But now, fellow budding authors; read, mark and inwardly digest. ‘Tits’ are out. No. Not the way you’re thinking. Ditto ‘Fun-sacks’, ‘overshoulderboulderholsters’, ‘The Mammeries from Outer Space’, ‘Hooters’, ‘Learning Centres’, and ‘Ear Muffs’. ‘Breasts’ are still okay; but be careful about the word ‘fondle’. Nipples must never be referred to as ‘Panic Buttons’; nor ‘Radio Knobs’. Hopefully by now, it should be plain to the meanest intelligence that female genitalia are not to be played with. Well; I mean, just be careful. Any exploratory expedition must not ever be referred to as ‘A Walk in The Black Forest’. Indeed, avoid any mention of Horst Jankow as it can lead to serious misunderstandings; and an extended stay in the Accident and Emergency Department. And do watch out for ‘Anthropological Phallocentricity’. (Don’t refer to any of the juicy bits as ‘pussy’.) Words like ‘chick’, ‘hen’, ‘doll, bird’, and ‘Gramphus Whale’ are best to be laid down and avoided, rather than laid down and thoroughly shagged.

Erogenous Parking Zones

As and when any of your books ever get down to the moments of tendresse, do try and remember she did not ‘bang like a kitchen door in a Force Ten gale’. Still less. ‘she gobbled like a turkey who’d just escaped Christmas’. Avoid all references to ‘beef bayonets’, and do resist the temptation to call the vagina a ‘squeeze-box’. Nor ‘meat grinder’, Penis fly trap’, ‘manhole’, juice-extractor’, ‘love glove’, ‘pumping station’, or ‘organ grinder’. Being the gentler sex, women are never ‘rampant’, or ‘gagging for it’, or in dire need of a telegraph pole powered by a Perkins diesel engine. Well, not all the time. Oh; please bear in mind that in literature, unlike real life, headboards of beds do not bang against the wall or dent the plaster. And the shagger never stuffs a pair of knickers in the shaggee’s mouth; nor anywhere else; apart from the obvious. Words like ‘fellatio’, ‘cunnilingus’ and a sea port in China, are only permissible as long as the artistic demands of the story require it. The love interest must never be referred to as ‘the orgasm-in-waiting’. And please, when removing the vibrator from the naughty bits, resist the urge to say ‘controls to manual’. And keep your address a closely guarded secret.

John J McCabe. Copyright.

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