Bigot Man Hates Everyone
Bah! I merely chanced to mention to EdZilla that I had misplaced my mobile telephone hand thing [What? Again? Ermintrude] when she offered the idea that I should try calling my mobile on my land line. Eh? How the hell am I supposed to know the number? I mean; I know where I am, so why on Earth am I going to phone myself to see if I’m in? Nuts. Then we had a few minutes silence down her end of the line, followed by a long sigh, followed by the question, which I quote verbatim; ‘Would little Johnny like me to phone his poor lost phone, and if it rings he may be able to find it. If he does, I’ll come round and kiss it better for him.’ [You wish. Ermintrude] Cow! But since it wasn’t too bad an idea I assented, holding my tongue, so to squeak. And it worked! I still don’t know what it was doing in the fridge… Anyway, I then had to go and be nice to EdZilla about her sheer, towering intellect, before the smug bitch buggered off.
Good News Travels Fast
All of which got me in a right bate for the day. That and shopping. However, my misery was compounded when Valkerie rang to congratulate me on having found my phone; and how she had a friend who knew a test for Altzheimers. Cheeky sod! But I simply let drop what Jung had said about women who play the saxophone; and she hung up. Strange girl. However there is no doubt that the rest of the world, and one or two outlying planets, will all know about the matter by now; providing further proof of what an utter twat I am. [As if any more were needed. Ermintrude] And what is it with chicks, anyway? Every single one of them that I have known, and not just biblically, well, certainly the longer term ones, have always ended up behaving towards me like they were a cross between a primary school teacher and a child psychiatrist. (And Mother Theresa. EdZilla)
Retarded Cognitive Development
I did not put that heading in! [No. I did. Ermintrude] I’m in charge! (Since when? EdZ) Blast! Besides, it’s not as if I’m insensitive to the problems faced by Feminism. [He’s lying. Ermintrude] (Pity it’s only his nose that grows. EdZ) No. Honestly. I’ve always respected feminists; especially the pretty ones. Some of my favourite authors are feminists; Mary Wollenstonecraft, Andrea Dworkin, Jordan… The list is endless. Er; and as for role models! How about Boadacea, Beyonce, Betty Boop, Girls Aloud, Margaret Thatcher, Cruella de Ville, Paris Hilton, and that girl in the early Cadbury’s ‘Flake’ adverts? All of them blessed with outstanding, well-rounded personalities, often as not bronzed as well. No. What I object to about Feminists is that they expect the world to feel sorry for them because they don’t understand the Offside Rule, and can’t reverse a car round corners. Probably something to do with the size of their tits. Huh! My New Man credentials are outstanding. If any bunch of crazed Leznatz do come round, it’ll be for my autograph. In all my books the heroine is liberated. (From her bra and good taste. EdZ) Shush! Would you just look at the time? Got to kiss the mirror goodnight. Byeee!
John J McCabe. Copyright