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Identity Crisis

I can use the Google thing on the computer; only this one calls itself ‘Yahoo’; probably the American version. [Dear God; you really are hopeless. Ermintrude] Please ignore the lippy as well as libby computer brain; she’s clearly been infected by contact with that cow EdZilla, who is bombarding me right now with her observations, qua Editrix, on my current work, ‘The Final Arbiter’. [Poor bugger. Ermintrude] Anyway. In search of versimilitude for my book on Venetian mischief, I chanced to look up La Galleria Vittore Emanual; the beautiful one in Milan. Only I came across an Emanuelle of an entirely different hue; as in huge hooters and legs up to her arse and back! (Grow up! EdZilla)

No, but seriously. I’d fondly imagined that the wee soul was now dead and buried; albeit in a ‘y’ shaped coffin; but according to the pictures, she’s alive and well. I can hardly wait for the next movie – ‘Emanuelle in Zimmerland’. It can’t be the same bird; although to be absolutely fair, the camera doesn’t spend all that much time focussing on her face. Does female genitalia age? Does Botox help? Uggg! On second thoughts, best not to delve too deeply; so to speak.

If a picture paints a thousand words

However, I was then treated to a positive cornucopia; or rather, ‘pornucopia’ of couples in all sorts of highly improbable positions. What is wrong with people? I know we’ve all read ‘The Kama Sutra’: perhaps when much younger and a great deal fitter, never mind drunker, tried out ‘the Swooping Crane’ or the ‘Leaping Gerbil’ or whatever. But this stuff is seriously worrying. No. Not from the corrosive effect of watching porn and how it reduces women to the role of sex-objects. Hello? Calling all Sisters? That’s just biology. No. It’s quite clear from the plethora of porn that today’s young audience can access, that the message is obvious. The future is in physiotherapy and chyropractice. I mean has anyone actually seen the positions? Eeeek! It’s like a combination of ‘Swan Lake’ and ‘All-in Wrestling’, with just a hint of ‘Gardener’s World’. Never mind the actors; what about the poor bloody cameraman and his bizarre contortions to get the best shot?

The penis mightier than the sword

And what’s all this about cartoons? What is remotely erotic about cartoon characters shagging one another; especially since most of them seem to come from Japan, China or Leith? I just never saw Donald Duck as a sex object. But it gets worse. (Surely not? EdZ) Who are all the weird birds who, according to the computer, are simply gagging to meet me; or, more accurately, my willy? I don’t even know them! Well, at least I hope I don’t. Sort of ‘Readers’ Wives’ meets ‘Scouting for Boys’. Bad news girls; nowadays it would not be so much ‘the Coiled Serpent’ as ‘the Exploding Truss’.

I think I put my back out just watching ‘Snow White and the Seven Plumbers’.

John J McCabe. Copyright