Memento Mori

(‘Memento Moronic’ more like! EdZilla). There; you see. Some people; especially those with puny pretensions to culinary ability, resent my cooking credentials. I used to be called ‘The Escoffier of Edinburgh‘. (No he didn’t. EdZ) Anyway.  Once The Coven has sobered up, as usual, they can’t resist putting the odd little black leather bootee into my Genius. (That’s not where it’s going. EdZ) None of which has anything to do with this particular oeuvre. (So what’s new? EdZ)

I had a really weird dream last night. (Forget it, you pervert! EdZ) No! Not that one! Er; I mean; I don’t know what you’re talking about. This was one about my books. It concerned the seventeenth one; set mainly in Venice; with appropriately dark undertones.; sex and violence con sepia. I can recall it so vividly that I now wonder if I actually have written it, a wee while ago, and have lost the actual draft? (Lost the plot, more like. EdZ) No matter.

Clash of the Titans

(Clash of the ‘Titheads’ actually. EdZ) Cow! Mac, my publisher has got me to buy a new computer, since the old coal-powered one was losing it’s memory. So I got a Mini Mac thingy. (MacMini, you retard! EdZ) Not much to look at; small, yet perfectly formed. (Hmmm; yes. How brave of you to admit it. EdZ) Beat it! So; Mac told me it could take a tool – I’m warning you, EdZilla! (You’re a warning to all of us, Sweetie. EdZ) And this new application would let me dictate my book from the written draft onto the computer. Yeehah! Except for one tiny problem; the bloody disc thingy that came with the bumph is too big! In fact, on closer inspection, I can’t find a hole anywhere. (Yes; we’ve all been hearing about that lately. EdZ) Mac says not to worry; he’ll come down and get it to work. (Maybe you should take him with you on your next date? EdZ) Burger off!

So he did. But was deeply underwhelmed at my knowledge of things computeresque

What the hell is all this pish about ‘passwords’? I’m not seeking to overthrow Western Civilisation! Not today anyway. But according to Mac and my own bloody Mini Mac (‘MacMini’, meathead. EdZ) I must have a list of stupid words and numbers to make the idiot machine open up! Then it wants to know who my favourite primary school teacher was – how the hell should i know? I even threatened the thing with having its transistors trashed but she just ignored me. Hence I’ve decided to call her ‘Ermintrude’; like the cow on the Magic Roundabout except this one’s more like an ex-partner of mine. I’m sure the bloody computer has started sighing in boredom at my tragic history of strife and trauma. Mac says I’m the last Luddite. I thought they handed out copies of ‘The Watchtower’; must be Jimmy Hendrix fans.

Communist Plot No 3,146

I haven’t the heart to tell Mac I’ve lost his written instructions on how to open the computer. I’m sure Ermintrude has stolen them. [Who; me?]

John J McCabe; copyright.

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