Strictly for the Birds

You’re telling me! So what if I suffer from a penchant for our feathered friends; even when it’s not eggsactly Christmas? Probably some thing to do with me not being potty-trained until I was twenty-five. Anyway; I like turkey. When I grow up I want to be one. (As against a Great Tit? EdZilla) Beat it, sunbeam! It should just fit in the wee oven. (Unlike your big, fat head? EdZ)

I should explain; EdZilla, like so many of her species, Pussus Flufficus, always feels a teensy weensy bit threatened when they encounter a bloke who can cook as well as walk, talk and chew gum at the same time. It can tend to leave them wondering what purpose they have left in life; apart from the obvious… (You wish! EdZ) So I invited The Coven round to the feast of soul and reason; humouring EdZ by letting her do the mashed potatoes – she’s not allowed sharp instruments. (The Coven won’t need anything sharp when they start in on you and your naughty bits. EdZ) See what I mean?

Christmas revisited

The big oven has been hors de wombat for about nine months now, so last Christmas, employing my MegaCharm, I had persuaded Bronco to cook the turkey since it was rather unsmall. Feathers everywhere – from Bronco indeed! It seems that my big, butch lezzie mate was less than familiar with turkeys. Anyway; the therapy seems to be working; since she was more than happy to join us; once she had my personal undertaking, signed, in triplicate, that she would not be involved in any turkish delight. I was in process of waxing lyrical about her turkeyphobia when she proceeded to describe in really too much detail what she was going to do to me if I didn’t put a sock in it; using only some duck tape, a nine volt battery, and a blunt butter knife. Ouch! I didn’t think girls were so technically minded.

A huge success

Step forward who? Step forward Captain Fabulous! (Get on with it! EdZ) Yet another culinary colossus has arrived. Modesty forbids; but even if I do say so myself…, (Keep it up and you’ll be getting a Penis al Penne served up in your y-fronts! EdZ) Bah! Suffice it to say that I was feted with praise and econiums from all The Coven. (We were all too pissed by then. EdZ) The only downside is, that I’ll have to accept the usual invites from the Plebs, or rather Plebettes, and have to be agreeably complimentary about their Neo Brutal Cuisine Crumpettisserie; a combination of Deliah Smith and the Haynes Manual on a Model T Ford. (Featuring testicolo al forno; Coq au Blunt Matchstickera; and Bombe Suprise in Rectumissimo. EdZilla, Chef de partie, Valkerie, Sous Chef de Patisserie, and Bronco, Chef de sharp, pointy things)


John J McCabe; copyright.